Eleven Years part 2

Those words shook me. I was only 18 years old. I had lost grandparents before and an aunt. But no one I had been close to. I kept thinking he can't be dead. I just saw him. Today, this feels like a blur. I don't remember hanging up the phone. Apparently I was thinking out loud because all of a sudden my mom was walking into my room. She asked what was wrong and I just told her that Zach was dead. Half of me wasn't believing anything. My mom simply stood there and said the word "no". Just like someone had asked her a question and she was answering it matter of fact. Right in that moment I was so confused. It was around 8 or 9 in the morning. I only had around 3 hours of sleep. I had just been told one of my best friends was dead and my mom was standing in front of me saying "no". I thought maybe she knew something I didn't. Still in my pajamas I pushed past her and walked out the front door crying. I knew if this was untrue that Zach's car would be in his driveway just like it always was. I knew if I didn't see it, well. . .

 I walked down the sidewalk as fast as I can and peeked down the street. I saw nothing. Nothing. My head was just spinning. We had just graduated the night before. I had just seen him before I left the party-he was gone by the time I got back. I sat down in my driveway and started crying even harder. I pictured Zach climbing stairs to Heaven and standing at a table to sign in. I kept thinking about the journey he had just taken. I quietly begged God to let him turn around. I knew he hadn't been gone that long, and hoped maybe he could come back. This was too real. I slept on and off that day, each time I woke up I kept hoping everything had been a dream. Each time it wasn't. The next day I went to Zach's house to visit his family. Later in the day I went to visitation. His casket was so shiny and an OU blanket covered it. I kept thinking how unreal everything felt. My mom and I drove out to where his accident happened. There were several people there.  People wrote on some trees. There were pieces of his car. I took the "2002" tassle I had worn at graduation and hung it from a branch and left.

Thursday flew by, and that Friday was his funeral. I don't think I had any tears left at that point. I just felt numb and present. I don't think I could have imagined still missing him 11 years later. His funeral was nice but I don't remember anything except that his casket was carried out to the OU fight song. As I was getting into the car to ride to the cemetery the limo with the pall bearers went past me. They were all of Zach's closest friends. I saw one of them with their face leaning against the car window. I had known him for over 6 years and he had always been so funny. The look on his face said everything. I don't think someone could have moved his mouth for him to smile.

I briefly went to the cemetery. We didn't stay long enough to see his casket be lowered. That would have been too much for me. It was hard enough realizing that this was happening. Later that night I went to a classmate's house and there was a guy there from another school. He curiously asked me if I knew the guy in the car accident. I remember looking at him and saying yeah, he was my friend. I guess my face said everything, because he said something like "I'm sorry" and didn't ask any more questions. Those days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to years. Today I write this as those hours and days have now turned into 11 years. Eleven. I would like to think that if Zach were still alive today that we would still be friends. I wish I could have seen him become who he wanted to be. His life was cut so short, and I wonder who he would be today. Would he be married? Have children? Be on ESPN, since he always wanted to be a sports broadcaster? I can't say enough nice things about my dear friend. I miss him, but I know that he is safe now and can do things in Heaven that he couldn't do here.

Zach always told me not to be afraid to call him if I needed anything, to be safe, to be good. I hope he would be proud. 5.21.2002

 

Zach's junior picture

 

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