Eleven Years part 2

Those words shook me. I was only 18 years old. I had lost grandparents before and an aunt. But no one I had been close to. I kept thinking he can't be dead. I just saw him. Today, this feels like a blur. I don't remember hanging up the phone. Apparently I was thinking out loud because all of a sudden my mom was walking into my room. She asked what was wrong and I just told her that Zach was dead. Half of me wasn't believing anything. My mom simply stood there and said the word "no". Just like someone had asked her a question and she was answering it matter of fact. Right in that moment I was so confused. It was around 8 or 9 in the morning. I only had around 3 hours of sleep. I had just been told one of my best friends was dead and my mom was standing in front of me saying "no". I thought maybe she knew something I didn't. Still in my pajamas I pushed past her and walked out the front door crying. I knew if this was untrue that Zach's car would be in his driveway just like it always was. I knew if I didn't see it, well. . .

 I walked down the sidewalk as fast as I can and peeked down the street. I saw nothing. Nothing. My head was just spinning. We had just graduated the night before. I had just seen him before I left the party-he was gone by the time I got back. I sat down in my driveway and started crying even harder. I pictured Zach climbing stairs to Heaven and standing at a table to sign in. I kept thinking about the journey he had just taken. I quietly begged God to let him turn around. I knew he hadn't been gone that long, and hoped maybe he could come back. This was too real. I slept on and off that day, each time I woke up I kept hoping everything had been a dream. Each time it wasn't. The next day I went to Zach's house to visit his family. Later in the day I went to visitation. His casket was so shiny and an OU blanket covered it. I kept thinking how unreal everything felt. My mom and I drove out to where his accident happened. There were several people there.  People wrote on some trees. There were pieces of his car. I took the "2002" tassle I had worn at graduation and hung it from a branch and left.

Thursday flew by, and that Friday was his funeral. I don't think I had any tears left at that point. I just felt numb and present. I don't think I could have imagined still missing him 11 years later. His funeral was nice but I don't remember anything except that his casket was carried out to the OU fight song. As I was getting into the car to ride to the cemetery the limo with the pall bearers went past me. They were all of Zach's closest friends. I saw one of them with their face leaning against the car window. I had known him for over 6 years and he had always been so funny. The look on his face said everything. I don't think someone could have moved his mouth for him to smile.

I briefly went to the cemetery. We didn't stay long enough to see his casket be lowered. That would have been too much for me. It was hard enough realizing that this was happening. Later that night I went to a classmate's house and there was a guy there from another school. He curiously asked me if I knew the guy in the car accident. I remember looking at him and saying yeah, he was my friend. I guess my face said everything, because he said something like "I'm sorry" and didn't ask any more questions. Those days turned to weeks, weeks turned to months, and months turned to years. Today I write this as those hours and days have now turned into 11 years. Eleven. I would like to think that if Zach were still alive today that we would still be friends. I wish I could have seen him become who he wanted to be. His life was cut so short, and I wonder who he would be today. Would he be married? Have children? Be on ESPN, since he always wanted to be a sports broadcaster? I can't say enough nice things about my dear friend. I miss him, but I know that he is safe now and can do things in Heaven that he couldn't do here.

Zach always told me not to be afraid to call him if I needed anything, to be safe, to be good. I hope he would be proud. 5.21.2002

 

Zach's junior picture

 

back of picture

This song

Eleven Years Part 1

The end of May has been filled with a small amount of sadness for the last 11 years. It's not to say that May hasn't brought a lot of good memories during that time. I graduated from college in May, I've had celebrations with good friends in May. I met Eric at the end of May three years ago! But May 21st, particularly, is always a time that my friend Zach stays close to my heart. To be honest, there isn't really a day I can remember in the last 11 years where Zach hasn't crossed my mind. I guess it's okay to still feel sadness. I don't know if there are rules for losing a friend. Sometimes I wonder if my other classmates still think of him, and I'm almost certain that they do. Since time slips by so fast I want to write about this.

I met my friend Zach when I was in the 8th grade. He went to a different junior high in the same school district as me-so we would end up in high school together. Zach moved into my neighborhood just down the street from me in 8th grade and a mutual friend introduced us. It wasn't until 9th grade that we became friends. We were confined to crutches at the same time, so we would complain about how people tried to help us but we didn't want their help, etc. Zach loved the University of Oklahoma, and I remember when I would go into his house there would always be a book about OU football or something else related to OU on his coffee table. We had a lot in common-his favorite movie was The Breakfast Club-mine is Sixteen Candles. I would tease him about his favorite movie because I swear mine is better ;). Our high school combined junior highs in 10th grade, so the next year we were in school together. Zach turned 16 almost a year before me and he had a vehicle, so he would take me to school when my brother couldn't. I would ride home from school with him sometimes and we would stop by Sonic and get a drink before we went home. We also went to Braum's plenty of times since it was just down the street. My parents didn't really like me hanging out with boys alone, but my mom absolutely adored Zach. She said she always felt I was safe when I was with him. Zach was well liked by anyone who knew him. He had one of the biggest hearts of any one I have ever met-still to this day.

When we were juniors Zach and I went to the pom banquet together. Even though the banquet was in April, I asked him very early in the school year to go with me because I knew someone else would ask him. We had so much fun that night. When we got to the banquet we had to pay to park in a garage-neither of us had the money to pay so we begged the attendant to let us park for free. My mom was not happy when I told her about it when we got home "because I should have had the money". My mom took pictures of us before we left-to this day I don't know where that roll of film is. I think I will make it a goal this summer to find the "lost roll" when I go home.

Early in our Senior year, I got in trouble for staying out until 5 in the morning one weekend. As soon as I drove home and could tell that my mom was awake I hightailed it down to Zach's house. I quickly drove back home so I wouldn't wake him up or get him in trouble-and drove back to my house. The next day my mom told me she went down to Zach's house that night looking for me. When Zach saw me at school that Monday he kept asking me why my mom always went to him when she couldn't find me. I wouldn't know the answer to that question until May 21st. I didn't really enjoy my senior year and was ready to graduate. I felt like I lost a lot of "friends". Zach never turned his back on me. About 2 months before we graduated I got in a lot of trouble for doing something stupid. I asked Zach if he thought I was stupid and he replied "no, you just did a stupid thing". He didn't judge me for it. He didn't stop being my friend. He told me how it was and moved right along. We had a history class together that year and our teacher would constantly separate our little group by an alphabetical seating chart. My last name starts with a 'C', Zach's with a 'K'. Our group would always find a way to slowly sit by each other. We would write each other note's in our textbook so we wouldn't get in trouble for talking.

Our graduation ceremony would take place on a Monday, May 20th. Zach and I were suppose to go take our history final together that Wednesday so we could have a better grade in the class. After graduation was a graduation party. Tuesday would be our senior bowling party. All of the details were final as to who I would be riding to the bowling party with, etc. Before graduation, I hugged Zach, told him I loved him and would see him later. The ceremony lasted for what felt like forever. I'm pretty sure it was close to 10 before we left. I stopped by my house with a friend who would be riding with me. My dad told me something along the lines of "you're an adult now and you can face adult consequences. Be good." I laughed him off and left for the party, which was a lot of fun. I had left the party for a little bit and when I got back almost everyone was gone.

I got home around 5 that morning (this time I didn't get in trouble!) and went to sleep. I had a cell phone and my own phone line at home. My friend had left her car at my house and was suppose to come pick it up that morning, so when I woke up to my phone ringing I didn't think anything was wrong. On the other end was one of my best friends who asked if I had spoken to another one of our friends. I said no. She then just told me that Zach was in an accident. For some reason I feel like the conversation moved fast and slow at the same time. I immediately thought "okay, I will have to go see him. Is he at home, the hospital...?" Then came the words "He hit a tree. He's dead."

Love Left Behind

"you promised me one night. I want you next to me tonight. We have the rest of our lives to be apart."

I just finished the book Love Left Behind yesterday, and I'm having withdrawals today. Clearly from the title, it's a book about love. I would really like to do a giveaway for this book, but I don't have enough followers for that. Sooooo that won't be happening, sadly :(

The two characters of this book, Jackson Reynard and Emma Mills find love almost instantly, after Emma moves to New York to "find herself" after breaking off the engagement to her high school sweetheart. Jackson is an aspiring actor who works at a gym to supplement his income. The two hit it off instantly, and well, there is a lot of sex in this book. Now, I never did read 50 shades, because I heard it wasn't well written and those aren't the kind of books I have ever sought out to read. But this book was good. 

**SPOILER**  

After Jackson gets an acting job in California and Emma gets fired from her job (ugghhh, her roommate!) they decide to go together. Right as they're about to leave, Emma gets a call from home informing her that her ex-fiance has tried to kill himself and is in critical condition. Feeling guilty, she heads home while Jackson heads off to California. Emma keeps promising herself that she will go out there, but she feels too guilty to leave. Jackson unexpectedly shows up on her doorstep and asks her what's going on. She is shocked to see him and asks why he is there, as filming for his movie has started. He tells her that he quit, because he couldn't bear to be apart. -Cue my anger- Emma doesn't want Jackson to regret his decision and she tells him she is in love with her ex. A week goes by and she is feeling the wrath of her bad decision and calls to apologize...and, a girl answers the phone. I won't spoil that part for you. Fast forward 5 years and Jackson is a huge movie star, while Emma gets another position in New York and moves back. She unexpectedly bumps into Jackson and their relationship is like a roller coaster to the end. Sometimes the ride is slow, but I felt like I always wanted to know what was going to happen.

**END SPOILER

I seriously want there to be a real life Emma and Jackson.  Like, really bad. The book was just so good and I'm hoping the author, S.H. Kolee, writes a second book about these characters. I don't even think I can place a look to the characters, I can kind of see what Jackson might look like, but I can't picture Emma yet. I might have to read this book again. Yes, it's that good. I have ready good books before, but I don't think I have ever read a love story where I could feel the connection between the characters. Summer is fast approaching, if you're looking for a good book to read and you like romance-go.get.this.