Those are the words that left my mouth in late fall/early winter of 2004. I followed my heart to Kansas, believing I had found my "Happily Ever After". I moved to Lawrence in January 2005, 2 days after adopting Max. Here I was, 300 + miles away from all of my friends, my family, everything and anything I had ever known. I followed empty promises. Looking back at that, I was so young and had no idea what I truly wanted out of life. I came to Kansas unaware of the turns that my new adventure would take me through and I was also unaware of all of the amazing, and to be honest not-so-amazing, people that would come into my life. All of these new people, some of whom would play huge roles in my life throughout this whole journey and others who were just passing through, as we each went about our lives. I can't imagine being that same girl who blindly moved in 2005, however I also know that she is with me every day waiting to blindly move on to the next journey with me...and reminding me not to make the same mistakes twice. There is also no way in the world that I can imagine the last five years of my life any differently than it has been.
On August 14th, 2005 I made the journey from Oklahoma back to Kansas. This time the trip was a little different. I wasn't following anyone else's promises this time. I was following the promise I made to myself. On the whole 5 hour ride I was scared to pieces. I didn't know if I was making the right decision by going back, but I promised myself that I would take advantage of this opportunity. That first week in Lawrence I had never been completely alone. This time I was. I didn't know what to do with my time, where to go, where to begin, or how to even make friends. My friends in Oklahoma always came so naturally to me. Five years ago today, I was scared of the road ahead of me. Today, I'm optimistic and anxious about the road I'm on and the road I will be on next year.
I've discovered that the happiness and bliss that has come to me within the past year wasn't because of what anyone else said to me or did. It wasn't because I had a boyfriend, it wasn't because I got a new pair of jeans or amazing shoes. I found this happiness because I built this road for myself. I promised myself to make the trip worth it. I began to focus on 'me' and what I could do to make myself happy. My number one goal was to set a date for graduation and stick to it. That's what I did. My next step was ensuring that even though I went to class, that wasn't enough. I wanted to excell in the courses I took. Then I realized that I needed to clean out my life. I de-cluttered the toxic energy that had surrounded me for 2 years. Once I de-cluttered, I found myself. I was happy again. I had the energy to accomplish what I needed to. They say that sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same; I believe in this. Once I began to listen to the people that loved me and respecting that these people were all in my life for a reason, I realized how blessed I am(from someone somewhere) to have come to Kansas and met these people.
Don't make excuses for yourself or anyone else in your life. Either you want to accomplish it or you don't. If you don't want to commit, you'll find an excuse to not follow through. If something has been holding you back, let it go. I believe that anyone can fulfill their dreams...Although there are things I would have done differently, I would not change a single minute of my life or my amazing friends who inspire me or the family support I've been given.
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